Shayne-Michael.COMedy

Daily humor for people with short attention spans.

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Shayne Michael is a stand-up comic with twenty years experience. He has appeared in the Chicago Comedy Festival, on the San Francisco Comedy Invasion and the Psychiatric Comedy Tour.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Things To Say To The Stranger Next To You On The Ferris Wheel

  1. And that's when I realized felt tip wasn't a double entendre for sexual relations with an ink manufacturer.
  2. It's not easy being a bipolar, double-jointed circus clown.
  3. Wow, you can hardly see the chalk outlines of the bodies from up here.
  4. You have the most beautiful blue eyes. Can I borrow them?
  5. So I say, "Fine! Dump me! But I'll have my revenge when I dump you, your family and your little dog too off the Golden Gate Bridge." Then I went straight back to the bake sale.
  6. Don't tell me you recognize me from America's Most Wanted too…
  7. I find danger incredibly sexy; here hold this crossbar from the safety latch.
  8. I was a trapeze artist until my partner was thrown to his death.
  9. Here's my Viagra. Now were did I put the clown suit, the balloon animals, and my big red rubber nose?
(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 071/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: TThe New Sitcom Page: now allows you to rank the sitcom on originality, writing, comedy, cast and historical significance.

Ten Reasons A Woman Is Better Than A Rabid Raccoon: Counter point to a list with the opposite title…

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

About this relationship sir, I just put in a transfer request with the human resources department.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Sailor Pick Up Lines

  1. It's only a gangplank if the first mate joins in.
  2. I’m looking for a new masthead.
  3. I dare you to lick my landlubber.
  4. I was hoping you're a sucker for a centerboard.
  5. Come down here and shiver my timbers.
  6. It’s a steamboat now baby.
  7. It is the captain's duty to go down on his shipmates.
  8. Care to see me turn my dingy into a yacht?
  9. You can walk my gangplank anytime.
(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 070/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The David Letterman Biography. The New Sitcom Page: I took some direction from IMDB, and built the popular character elimination game into the cast of each sitcom. To see it in action click on Details. Then cast. Then click on the + to vote for a character and the - to vote against a character. Stand-up comics, comic actors, mp3, video and midi clips can now be ranked.

It spoils the mood when you keep laughing like that.

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

Mr. Bush, we can't put you on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader because we're pretty sure the country already knows.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Seven Things I Learned In College, & A Few Since

  1. Community college will admit anyone whose check clears.
  2. A BA degree has a whole lot in common with the proverbial BS.
  3. The worst teachers often have 300 people in one class.
  4. At 8am, there will be more cars in your parking structure than there are parking spaces.
  5. A liberal arts major is another just word for permanently undecided.
  6. Curves only exist in Calculus.
  7. Graduation is usually followed by the phrase, "Now what?"
  8. If college was affordable there would be a whole lot less bike racks.
  9. Odds are that your psychology instructor is nuts, your sociology teacher doesn't do well in groups and your philosophy teacher became a philosopher after ODing on pot.

(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 069/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The David Letterman Biography. The New Sitcom Page: I took some direction from IMDB, and built the popular character elimination game into the cast of each sitcom. To see it in action click on Details. Then cast. Then click on the + to vote for a character and the - to vote against a character. Stand-up comics, comic actors, mp3, video and midi clips can now be ranked.

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

I've decided the murder-suicide plot wasn't good for either of us.

MySpace Spam

All the girls out there are totally lying when they tell you that size does not matter. Want proof? Not really. I am telling you this because it is the honest truth, look I should know, they say that it is all in the way you use it, not how big it is, well I got news for you all, that is pure lies. Girls lie? Since when? I know from personal experience, I will tell you about a secret that Joey [Ah Joey… Ask my old friend how the Herpes is holding up. You do know that you can be a carrier without symptoms. I know that because of all the other comments that have nothing to do with my profile that I keep blocking] has made me promise to never ever tell anyone, but since he has not called me in three weeks after standing me up, I am going to break the promise and tell you how [Any chance of you keeping this promise not to tell me this story? This is the 9th time I've rejected this comment.] he went from having a tiny wang What is a wang? A penis you'd find in Bejing? and in 4 months he is now about nine inches and get this, it is still getting bigger [You do realize that a woman who sees King Kong walk by isn't thinking, my God I wonder if I couldn't knock off Fay Wray and be that monkey's bitch. There's advantages to dating the Thin Man, unless you happen to have a Vagina the size of the Grand Canyon. And quite frankly someone who fit's that description belongs in a circus, not a singles bar. Hey daddy look at the giant pussy by the tiger exhibit] He has been secretly taking grow pills from this site, copy and paste the address into your browser to see them. DEMHS.COM [It must be a really great site if you didn't even bother to create the simple code for a link. Either that or the blood going to your penis is diverting the oxygen from you brain. That also, by the way would explain the penis growth. Generally speaking when a man gets aroused… Why am I trying to tell you this, anyone dumb enough to try getting rich posting MySpace spam isn't going to understand simple biology.] I found out when I was at his house, three fridays ago [That would explain why you started posting this crap four months ago. Can I borrow your time machine, go back to November 12th, 1955 and prevent your parents from falling in love, thus halting the event of your birth. I promise it will be painless; mostly], we were getting ready to go to the mall, so while he was in the shower, I went in his room, sneeked under his bed and found a box with pill bottles in it, there was like 9 full bottles and 4 empty ones, all ordered from DEMHS.COM I was laughing at first but then when he came in the room and caught me looking at them, he freaked out and made me sware [Here I have the chose between taking medical advice from someone who can't spell swear and someone who steals pills from a shoe box under his friend's bed. Have you by any chance given yourself a lobotomy lately. I have this office pool that says you have and $25 is riding on a yes.] to not ever tell anyone about them, especially girls from school or work that he has been dating for the past while [you would think the girls he's dating would notice a pharmacy labeled be a bigger dick stashed under his bed], now that I think of it, he has been rather busy with all the popular girls around here, when just last year he was the shyest when it came to girls. I just never put two and two together [I'm having trouble visualizing you put two and two together without a calculator] until he explained it all to me, I did see his prick [there's something very disconcerting about you referring to it as his prick] and yes, it is huge, pronostar [What the hell is a pronstar, a sailor that screws mermaids with his genetically engineered trident?] huge, the thickest and longest one I ever seen [You describe your friend's penis with way too much nostalgia and affection, is this the San Francisco version of Candid Camera?]
I know this sounds really shallow, but I am considering ordering 6 bottles from the website at DEMHS.COM [] for you know who he does not have a myspace account [Isn't it funny how spammers say they never have a MySpace account?], so he is not gonna see this. They guarentee that the pills will work on any man, or they give you your money back [And just how do you enforce that refund policy. Is someone from the company going to hold a tape measure up to my member before I order and after I down the dosage? Yes, I can see a lot of men dropping trou and saying, look at these pathetic results give me back my money so I can start feeling like a real man.], living proof that they do work on any guy, seeing is believing. DEMHS.COM: G33930817 [I hope that's the self destruct sequence to your not existent MySpace account because I really don't feel like saying no to this comment again.]

Monday, March 26, 2007

Good Excuses For Failure To Pay Back Credit Card Debt

  1. I'm working with Master Card to bankrupt Visa.
  2. It's a Discover Card, and I just discovered I can't pay.
  3. If you'd stop telling me "Don't leave home without it," I wouldn't have so much debt to repay.
  4. I just assumed a revolving credit line meant eventually you'd pass the debt on to someone else.
  5. I told you giving a Diners Club Card to someone who comforts himself with food was a bad business model.
  6. You mean this was a loan and not a gift? Anything else you want to tell me about the fine print.
  7. I was going to rob Peter to pay Paul but they got together and mugged me before I had a chance.
  8. Instead of paying you back could I give you some of my frequent flyer miles? If I can't, would you at least wait until I fly out of the country?
  9. When my wife divorces me she gets half of everything, so up until that paperwork clears, I'm okay with massive debt.
(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 067/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The New Sitcom Page: I took some direction from IMDB, and built the popular character elimination game into the cast of each sitcom. To see it in action click on Details. Then cast. Then click on the + to vote for a character and the - to vote against a character. Stand-up comics, comic actors, mp3, video and midi clips can now be ranked.

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

Eugene, Sumo Wrestling is a hobby, not a career…

Sunday, March 25, 2007

When Responding To An Online Dating Ad Remember

  1. Remember just like the camera adds ten pounds the internet takes at least twice that many away.
  2. When aiming for a virgin look for anyone who ends the word "player," with and "h."
  3. Men with the soul of a poet get beat up a lot.
  4. Homeless people like long walks along the beach too.
  5. Mild pschosis often comes across in-the-punctuation…… MARKS.
  6. Most people who still use the phrase "hit me up," are either still in high school or studying for their GED.
  7. Anyone looking for a soul mate will cling to shattered pieces of a torn relationship long after you filed the restraining order and moved away.
  8. There's a good chance anyone who begins the ad with Waz Up is watching the Scream trilogy stoned as we speak
  9. Someone who recommends a roaring fire and a candle lit dinner is either an arsonist or, at the very least, can't afford to eat out.
  10. It's likely ThAt SoMeOnE who alternates between lowercase and CAPITAL letters in the same sentence is suffering severe SpAsM problems.
  11. Someone who begins the ad with, "Looking for a playmate," is probably still 12.
  12. Anyone who's screen name is the Slap Master left off his last name Bates.
(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 066/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The New Sitcom Page: I took some direction from IMDB, and built the popular character elimination game into the cast of each sitcom. To see it in action click on Details. Then cast. Then click on the + to vote for a character and the - to vote against a character.

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

Why is it after joining Match.Com the only time anyone answers my ad is when you need me to renew my credit card information?