Daily humor for people with short attention spans.

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Shayne Michael is a stand-up comic with twenty years experience. He has appeared in the Chicago Comedy Festival, on the San Francisco Comedy Invasion and the Psychiatric Comedy Tour.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Thursday Joke Off

Entry One: The Ugliest Man In The Bar Gets Lucy

A woman walks right up to the ugliest man in the bar in Chattanooga, Tennessee. She takes his hand and stares into his lazy eye. Then she whispers into his ear, "If I can guess what you're thinking will you take me home?"

"Okay," the man replies.

"You're thinking I'm the sexiest girl in this bar," she whispers into his ear. "And you can do things to me I could only dream of."

"Wow!" the homely man replies setting down his drink. "That's amazing. Now can I take you home?"

"Sure," she replies. "Let me get my suitcase. I live in Florida."

This just in Pac Man has just left Mrs. Pac Man for Qubert.

Entry Two: A Man Walks Into The Record Store

After browsing for about an hour, he walks up to a salesman and says, "Look, I need some advice. I have a hot date. She's younger than me, and I'm not up on current music. I want to choose something that says I'm hip without saying I like the crap that's popular today. Can you help me find a middle ground?"

"Sure," replies the salesman. "But first," he says taking the Beyonce single out of his hand. "Let's move away from the vinyl section."

How was I supposed to say look at it with the naked eye didn't mean take off my pants?

Entry Three: A Man Tries To Flirt His Way Free

The cop who pulls him over is a gorgeous blonde. The man tries to flirt his way out of the ticket by saying, "Come on. Just give me a warning in public and scold me for being naughty while you're being nice in private."

The girl smiles and replies, "Fine can we do it now? And can my Inga join in?"

"Absolutely," he answers noticing an attractive female police officer eyeing him from the squad car's back seat.

As she places the handcuffs on the man she lifts her radio and says, "Becky. Wake up Inga. Then take off her muzzle and lease. The ole bitch has a date."

Telling an ugly person he'd be better off wearing a bag isn't a random act of kindness, even if it's true.

Entry Four: Two Men Are Debating The Existence Of God

The first talks about the miracles in the scripture and the kindness of man. He points out even if Jesus wasn't the Mesaiah he'd have to be an incredibly nice guy to allow anyone to nail him to a tree, believing this selfless actions would save mankind from their own wickedness. Surely, he argues, that proves there's a God.

The second strokes his beard and says, "That's interesting. But allow me to remind you of my ex wife. She lied to me, cheated on me with my brother and made me raise three kids I didn't father. Then, she dragged me on Springer where it was proved on national TV that the kids were fathered by her Cousin Jeff which was why I raised so much money looking for a cure for Downs syndrome."

"How does that prove the existence of God?" the first man asks.

"How can you have Heaven without having Hell too?"

Gandalf, Frodo just told me to fuck off and hire Harry Potter to get rid of the Ring.

Entry Five: Who's Your Daddy?

During a visit to Arkansas a comedian picks up a local girl after a show. They retreat back to her apartment,- where she immediately begins getting frisky. Fifteen minutes later, they're both naked and on her bed. In the middle of making love, as things are getting really hot and heavy a man yells at his date, "Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?"

"He's the one in the closet with the video camera and the shot gun."

"Oh shit," the comedian replies.

"He's really protective of me because he's my step brother too."

Vote [For The Winning Joke] Here

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Fun Phrases For Secuirty At Legoland

  • I thought the bumper cars were going too fast, so I built a speed bump.
  • So I made a bathhouse out of Lincoln Logs.
  • I thought it would be a great time to reenact Godzilla Devours Denmark.
  • Like I was going to wait for the gift shop to pick up a souvenir.
  • I needed a restroom, so I built one.
  • So I assumed tinkering with my Tinker Toys was expected in Playland.
  • Now that it looks like a penis maybe the Eiffel Tower will finally live up to its name.
  • They never really proved I fed Mickey Mouse the rat poison.
  • Either stop staring at my erector set or ask me to dance.

    1. (c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
      ID#: 076/07

      H3Y BABE !!!...Cool myspace u got there [It must be, I've not gotten this letter more often than Dick Cheney gets kicked out of gun shops. How did you get Bush to back down on the whole stem cell issue so that the cloning process could begin?] I was just browsing people who live near me and found ya [I'm guessing you're not in Long Beach.] Feel free to add me to your M~S~N or A~I~M. I prefer M`S`N as A'I'M freezes on me so I may not get ur messages [Thanks, I was wondering when all the spamwhores who gave themselves classy names like Lustylicks would accompany me to the church picnic, day care and the company prom. I'll bring the Legos if you bring the wicker baskets and condoms.]...I jusst m0ved [Zero's not a vowel.] so try!ng [Neither is an exclamation mark] to meeet [No word in the English language has three Es in a row. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you were never a hooker on phonics.] sum [When you get your GED, you can master homophones instead of sexless men who's only chance of getting laid is masturbating in front of a screen and pretending the spamwhore on the other end wants them and not their credit card.] new people.. xoxox chat soon cutie xoxoxo Paris [I'm really sorry you broke up with Nichole but you might want to give up and get a job.]

      Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

      I just told him to shoot for the stars and the next day the Rolling Stones were dead.

      Tuesday, April 03, 2007

      How To Get Kicked Off The T-Ball Field

      1. Tell the short stop the best way to stop a triple is to tackle the runner.
      2. Convince the opposing team you're not supposed to use your hands.
      3. Keep asking the catcher who manufactures his cup.
      4. Secretly tie the baseball to the Tee.
      5. Whenever a player steals a base read him his Miranda rights.
      6. Pretend you see Hell's angles in the outfield.
      7. Whenever you hear, "you're out!" look over at your wife and say kind of like the time I walked in on your double play with the opposing coach and last night's umpire. Someone really stole home that day. Now excuse me while I go warm up my wiener."
      (c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
      ID#: 075/07

      Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

      What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; so bring your daughter right back to Circus Circus now.

      Sunday, April 01, 2007

      How To Have Fun On April Fools Day

      1. Go to an adult bookshop and ask the owner if he knows how to get to Sesame Street.
      2. Whip out a metal detector while grocery shopping; explain that you're checking for iron.
      3. Ask the pharmacist if using the nicotine patch as nipple tassels means you shouldn't breast feed.
      4. Show up at McDonalds dressed as the Burger King, clench your fists, and yell: "Alright, send in the clowns."
      5. Ask who wants to join you for some naked miniature golf.
      6. Go to a lingerie shop and ask if they sell cowbells.
      7. Whenever someone asks what you're feeling reply, "Penis envy."
      8. Leave a tape recorder of two people having sex in a closed bathroom stall on a continuous loop. Then, when someone stares at you in shock, enter the stall and make noises like you just joined in.

      (c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
      ID#: 073/07

      New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The New Sitcom Page: now allows you to rank the sitcom on originality, writing, comedy, cast and historical significance.

      Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

      Where do you want to go for our anniversary? And don't you dare say into the witness relocation program again.