Daily humor for people with short attention spans.

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Shayne Michael is a stand-up comic with twenty years experience. He has appeared in the Chicago Comedy Festival, on the San Francisco Comedy Invasion and the Psychiatric Comedy Tour.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Thursday Joke Off

Entry One: The Ugliest Man In The Bar Gets Lucy

A woman walks right up to the ugliest man in the bar in Chattanooga, Tennessee. She takes his hand and stares into his lazy eye. Then she whispers into his ear, "If I can guess what you're thinking will you take me home?"

"Okay," the man replies.

"You're thinking I'm the sexiest girl in this bar," she whispers into his ear. "And you can do things to me I could only dream of."

"Wow!" the homely man replies setting down his drink. "That's amazing. Now can I take you home?"

"Sure," she replies. "Let me get my suitcase. I live in Florida."

This just in Pac Man has just left Mrs. Pac Man for Qubert.

Entry Two: A Man Walks Into The Record Store

After browsing for about an hour, he walks up to a salesman and says, "Look, I need some advice. I have a hot date. She's younger than me, and I'm not up on current music. I want to choose something that says I'm hip without saying I like the crap that's popular today. Can you help me find a middle ground?"

"Sure," replies the salesman. "But first," he says taking the Beyonce single out of his hand. "Let's move away from the vinyl section."

How was I supposed to say look at it with the naked eye didn't mean take off my pants?

Entry Three: A Man Tries To Flirt His Way Free

The cop who pulls him over is a gorgeous blonde. The man tries to flirt his way out of the ticket by saying, "Come on. Just give me a warning in public and scold me for being naughty while you're being nice in private."

The girl smiles and replies, "Fine can we do it now? And can my Inga join in?"

"Absolutely," he answers noticing an attractive female police officer eyeing him from the squad car's back seat.

As she places the handcuffs on the man she lifts her radio and says, "Becky. Wake up Inga. Then take off her muzzle and lease. The ole bitch has a date."

Telling an ugly person he'd be better off wearing a bag isn't a random act of kindness, even if it's true.

Entry Four: Two Men Are Debating The Existence Of God

The first talks about the miracles in the scripture and the kindness of man. He points out even if Jesus wasn't the Mesaiah he'd have to be an incredibly nice guy to allow anyone to nail him to a tree, believing this selfless actions would save mankind from their own wickedness. Surely, he argues, that proves there's a God.

The second strokes his beard and says, "That's interesting. But allow me to remind you of my ex wife. She lied to me, cheated on me with my brother and made me raise three kids I didn't father. Then, she dragged me on Springer where it was proved on national TV that the kids were fathered by her Cousin Jeff which was why I raised so much money looking for a cure for Downs syndrome."

"How does that prove the existence of God?" the first man asks.

"How can you have Heaven without having Hell too?"

Gandalf, Frodo just told me to fuck off and hire Harry Potter to get rid of the Ring.

Entry Five: Who's Your Daddy?

During a visit to Arkansas a comedian picks up a local girl after a show. They retreat back to her apartment,- where she immediately begins getting frisky. Fifteen minutes later, they're both naked and on her bed. In the middle of making love, as things are getting really hot and heavy a man yells at his date, "Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?"

"He's the one in the closet with the video camera and the shot gun."

"Oh shit," the comedian replies.

"He's really protective of me because he's my step brother too."

Vote [For The Winning Joke] Here


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