Daily humor for people with short attention spans.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Three New Comedians Join SNL Cast As Will Forte Departs

Three New Comedians Join Saturday Night Live Cast As Will Forte Departs

Saturday Night Live is approaching its 36th season. Earlier this week, Will Forte announced he would leave SNL after eight years with the program. SNL producer Lorne Michaels was recently in Chicago in early August to scout for talent. Paul Brittain and Vanessa Bayer were among four Chicago actors who were flown to New York for a second round of auditions. Multiple sources are now confirming three new comics will join the late night variety show including: Paul Brittain, Vanessa Bayer and Taran Killiam, [Read the entire story]

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Comedian News @ Shayne-Michael.COM

Comedian News @ Shayne-Michael.COM

Sometimes It's Not That You Talked About Religion

Is This Microphone On: The Audience Perspective

Dealing With Rejection In Stand-Up Comedy

Why Robert Kiosaki Says Mind Your Business

Good Comedy Timing In Bad Situations

Some Things Speak For Themselves: That Sounds Fair

The Cost Of Always Trying To Find Yourself On Stage

The Birmingham Comedy Festival Hits UK In October

Whitney Cummings: Comedy Needs To Grow Up

There Are Always Untapped Comedy Markets

Monday, August 23, 2010

Eight Ways To Answer A Wrong Number

Eight Ways To Answer A Wrong Number
  1. Hello, Hell's Kitchen, may I help you.
  2. San Francisco State Prison, do you have your party's extension.
  3. Vegitarians for Burgers, to whom may I direct your call.
  4. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, can I help you?
  5. Paris Hilton fan club, donnations center.
  6. Baby Gap pregnancy center, breath easy now.
  7. Domestic violence hotline and California Gun Club.
  8. No, this is the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the film.
  9. Let me ask the Magic Eight Ball. It says try again later. That means call back.

Eight More Ways:

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Sunday, August 22, 2010

How To Get Kicked Out Of A Pharmacy

How To Get Kicked Out Of A Pharmacy

  1. Ask what type of pain killer goes best with Red Wine.
  2. Offer to trade a Pez Dispenser for a bottle Codeine.
  3. Ask how much Vikiden you would give an 800lb horse.
  4. Try to have a bottle of Chloroform gift wrapped.
  5. Inquire what kind of sunscreen works best on hairless cats.
  6. Ask which kind of Rogaine works best on a Chia Pet.
  7. Build Easter baskets out of gauze pads.
  8. Inquire where you can find Visine for a seeing-eye-dog.
  9. Ask where they keep the tourniquets and anti-venom.
  10. Ask if Aloe Vera cures leprosy and scratch a lot.
  11. Replace the throat lozenges with Skittles.
  12. Ask if they see No Doze, caffeine pills and Smores.

Stop singing On Top of Old Smoky and call the Fire Department, you jerk. Get more original humor with my daily column.

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Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Kathy Griffin Made No New Year’s Resolutions About Swearing On TV

While acting as one of the hosts for the New Year’s special show on CNN, Kathy Griffin forgot polite etiquette as she blurted out the F-word on live TV, again. Playing host with Griffin was Anderson Cooper. During the network's live New Year's Eve broadcast from Times Square, Griffin was joking with co-host Cooper about how to pronounce the first name of "balloon boy" Falcon Heene when she mumbled something that sounded a lot like the F-word. Cooper chuckled, shook his head and said "You're terrible," before resuming the show.

Read the entire story

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Thursday Joke Off

Entry One: The Ugliest Man In The Bar Gets Lucy

A woman walks right up to the ugliest man in the bar in Chattanooga, Tennessee. She takes his hand and stares into his lazy eye. Then she whispers into his ear, "If I can guess what you're thinking will you take me home?"

"Okay," the man replies.

"You're thinking I'm the sexiest girl in this bar," she whispers into his ear. "And you can do things to me I could only dream of."

"Wow!" the homely man replies setting down his drink. "That's amazing. Now can I take you home?"

"Sure," she replies. "Let me get my suitcase. I live in Florida."

This just in Pac Man has just left Mrs. Pac Man for Qubert.

Entry Two: A Man Walks Into The Record Store

After browsing for about an hour, he walks up to a salesman and says, "Look, I need some advice. I have a hot date. She's younger than me, and I'm not up on current music. I want to choose something that says I'm hip without saying I like the crap that's popular today. Can you help me find a middle ground?"

"Sure," replies the salesman. "But first," he says taking the Beyonce single out of his hand. "Let's move away from the vinyl section."

How was I supposed to say look at it with the naked eye didn't mean take off my pants?

Entry Three: A Man Tries To Flirt His Way Free

The cop who pulls him over is a gorgeous blonde. The man tries to flirt his way out of the ticket by saying, "Come on. Just give me a warning in public and scold me for being naughty while you're being nice in private."

The girl smiles and replies, "Fine can we do it now? And can my Inga join in?"

"Absolutely," he answers noticing an attractive female police officer eyeing him from the squad car's back seat.

As she places the handcuffs on the man she lifts her radio and says, "Becky. Wake up Inga. Then take off her muzzle and lease. The ole bitch has a date."

Telling an ugly person he'd be better off wearing a bag isn't a random act of kindness, even if it's true.

Entry Four: Two Men Are Debating The Existence Of God

The first talks about the miracles in the scripture and the kindness of man. He points out even if Jesus wasn't the Mesaiah he'd have to be an incredibly nice guy to allow anyone to nail him to a tree, believing this selfless actions would save mankind from their own wickedness. Surely, he argues, that proves there's a God.

The second strokes his beard and says, "That's interesting. But allow me to remind you of my ex wife. She lied to me, cheated on me with my brother and made me raise three kids I didn't father. Then, she dragged me on Springer where it was proved on national TV that the kids were fathered by her Cousin Jeff which was why I raised so much money looking for a cure for Downs syndrome."

"How does that prove the existence of God?" the first man asks.

"How can you have Heaven without having Hell too?"

Gandalf, Frodo just told me to fuck off and hire Harry Potter to get rid of the Ring.

Entry Five: Who's Your Daddy?

During a visit to Arkansas a comedian picks up a local girl after a show. They retreat back to her apartment,- where she immediately begins getting frisky. Fifteen minutes later, they're both naked and on her bed. In the middle of making love, as things are getting really hot and heavy a man yells at his date, "Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?"

"He's the one in the closet with the video camera and the shot gun."

"Oh shit," the comedian replies.

"He's really protective of me because he's my step brother too."

Vote [For The Winning Joke] Here

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Fun Phrases For Secuirty At Legoland

  • I thought the bumper cars were going too fast, so I built a speed bump.
  • So I made a bathhouse out of Lincoln Logs.
  • I thought it would be a great time to reenact Godzilla Devours Denmark.
  • Like I was going to wait for the gift shop to pick up a souvenir.
  • I needed a restroom, so I built one.
  • So I assumed tinkering with my Tinker Toys was expected in Playland.
  • Now that it looks like a penis maybe the Eiffel Tower will finally live up to its name.
  • They never really proved I fed Mickey Mouse the rat poison.
  • Either stop staring at my erector set or ask me to dance.

    1. (c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
      ID#: 076/07

      H3Y BABE !!!...Cool myspace u got there [It must be, I've not gotten this letter more often than Dick Cheney gets kicked out of gun shops. How did you get Bush to back down on the whole stem cell issue so that the cloning process could begin?] I was just browsing people who live near me and found ya [I'm guessing you're not in Long Beach.] Feel free to add me to your M~S~N or A~I~M. I prefer M`S`N as A'I'M freezes on me so I may not get ur messages [Thanks, I was wondering when all the spamwhores who gave themselves classy names like Lustylicks would accompany me to the church picnic, day care and the company prom. I'll bring the Legos if you bring the wicker baskets and condoms.]...I jusst m0ved [Zero's not a vowel.] so try!ng [Neither is an exclamation mark] to meeet [No word in the English language has three Es in a row. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you were never a hooker on phonics.] sum [When you get your GED, you can master homophones instead of sexless men who's only chance of getting laid is masturbating in front of a screen and pretending the spamwhore on the other end wants them and not their credit card.] new people.. xoxox chat soon cutie xoxoxo Paris [I'm really sorry you broke up with Nichole but you might want to give up and get a job.]

      Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

      I just told him to shoot for the stars and the next day the Rolling Stones were dead.