Shayne-Michael.COMedy

Three New Comedians Join SNL Cast As Will Forte Departs

2010-08-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

Three New Comedians Join Saturday Night Live Cast As Will Forte Departs

Saturday Night Live is approaching its 36th season. Earlier this week, Will Forte announced he would leave SNL after eight years with the program. SNL producer Lorne Michaels was recently in Chicago in early August to scout for talent. Paul Brittain and Vanessa Bayer were among four Chicago actors who were flown to New York for a second round of auditions. Multiple sources are now confirming three new comics will join the late night variety show including: Paul Brittain, Vanessa Bayer and Taran Killiam, [Read the entire story]

Comedian News @ Shayne-Michael.COM

2010-08-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

Comedian News @ Shayne-Michael.COM

Sometimes It's Not That You Talked About Religion
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=426

Is This Microphone On: The Audience Perspective
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=423

Dealing With Rejection In Stand-Up Comedy
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=422

Why Robert Kiosaki Says Mind Your Business
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=420

Good Comedy Timing In Bad Situations
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=418

Some Things Speak For Themselves: That Sounds Fair
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=417

The Cost Of Always Trying To Find Yourself On Stage
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=415

The Birmingham Comedy Festival Hits UK In October
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=413

Whitney Cummings: Comedy Needs To Grow Up
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=411

There Are Always Untapped Comedy Markets
http://www.shayne-michael.com/index.php?newsID=409

Eight Ways To Answer A Wrong Number

2010-08-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

Eight Ways To Answer A Wrong Number

Hello, Hell's Kitchen, may I help you.
San Francisco State Prison, do you have your party's extension.
Vegitarians for Burgers, to whom may I direct your call.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, can I help you?
Paris Hilton fan club, donnations center.
Baby Gap pregnancy center, breath easy now.
Domestic violence hotline and California Gun Club.
No, this is the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the film.
Let me ask the Magic Eight Ball. It says try again later. That means call back.

Eight More Ways: http://www.shayne-michael.com/todaysColumn.php?myxID=2417

Stand-up comedy news & resources

125 Articles on Stand-Up Comedy: Read Them Here

The open mic database for stand-up comedy: Go Here

How To Get Kicked Out Of A Pharmacy

2010-08-22T19:09:00.000-07:00

How To Get Kicked Out Of A Pharmacy

Ask what type of pain killer goes best with Red Wine.
Offer to trade a Pez Dispenser for a bottle Codeine.
Ask how much Vikiden you would give an 800lb horse.
Try to have a bottle of Chloroform gift wrapped.
Inquire what kind of sunscreen works best on hairless cats.
Ask which kind of Rogaine works best on a Chia Pet.
Build Easter baskets out of gauze pads.
Inquire where you can find Visine for a seeing-eye-dog.
Ask where they keep the tourniquets and anti-venom.
Ask if Aloe Vera cures leprosy and scratch a lot.
Replace the throat lozenges with Skittles.
Ask if they see No Doze, caffeine pills and Smores.

Stop singing On Top of Old Smoky and call the Fire Department, you jerk. Get more original humor with my daily column.

Kathy Griffin Made No New Year’s Resolutions About Swearing On TV

2010-01-05T22:13:00.000-08:00

While acting as one of the hosts for the New Year’s special show on CNN, Kathy Griffin forgot polite etiquette as she blurted out the F-word on live TV, again. Playing host with Griffin was Anderson Cooper. During the network's live New Year's Eve broadcast from Times Square, Griffin was joking with co-host Cooper about how to pronounce the first name of "balloon boy" Falcon Heene when she mumbled something that sounded a lot like the F-word. Cooper chuckled, shook his head and said "You're terrible," before resuming the show.

Read the entire story

The Thursday Joke Off

2007-04-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

Entry One: The Ugliest Man In The Bar Gets Lucy

A woman walks right up to the ugliest man in the bar in Chattanooga, Tennessee. She takes his hand and stares into his lazy eye. Then she whispers into his ear, "If I can guess what you're thinking will you take me home?"

"Okay," the man replies.

"You're thinking I'm the sexiest girl in this bar," she whispers into his ear. "And you can do things to me I could only dream of."

"Wow!" the homely man replies setting down his drink. "That's amazing. Now can I take you home?"

"Sure," she replies. "Let me get my suitcase. I live in Florida."

This just in Pac Man has just left Mrs. Pac Man for Qubert.

Entry Two: A Man Walks Into The Record Store

After browsing for about an hour, he walks up to a salesman and says, "Look, I need some advice. I have a hot date. She's younger than me, and I'm not up on current music. I want to choose something that says I'm hip without saying I like the crap that's popular today. Can you help me find a middle ground?"

"Sure," replies the salesman. "But first," he says taking the Beyonce single out of his hand. "Let's move away from the vinyl section."

How was I supposed to say look at it with the naked eye didn't mean take off my pants?

Entry Three: A Man Tries To Flirt His Way Free

The cop who pulls him over is a gorgeous blonde. The man tries to flirt his way out of the ticket by saying, "Come on. Just give me a warning in public and scold me for being naughty while you're being nice in private."

The girl smiles and replies, "Fine can we do it now? And can my Inga join in?"

"Absolutely," he answers noticing an attractive female police officer eyeing him from the squad car's back seat.

As she places the handcuffs on the man she lifts her radio and says, "Becky. Wake up Inga. Then take off her muzzle and lease. The ole bitch has a date."

Telling an ugly person he'd be better off wearing a bag isn't a random act of kindness, even if it's true.

Entry Four: Two Men Are Debating The Existence Of God

The first talks about the miracles in the scripture and the kindness of man. He points out even if Jesus wasn't the Mesaiah he'd have to be an incredibly nice guy to allow anyone to nail him to a tree, believing this selfless actions would save mankind from their own wickedness. Surely, he argues, that proves there's a God.

The second strokes his beard and says, "That's interesting. But allow me to remind you of my ex wife. She lied to me, cheated on me with my brother and made me raise three kids I didn't father. Then, she dragged me on Springer where it was proved on national TV that the kids were fathered by her Cousin Jeff which was why I raised so much money looking for a cure for Downs syndrome."

"How does that prove the existence of God?" the first man asks.

"How can you have Heaven without having Hell too?"

Gandalf, Frodo just told me to fuck off and hire Harry Potter to get rid of the Ring.

Entry Five: Who's Your Daddy?

During a visit to Arkansas a comedian picks up a local girl after a show. They retreat back to her apartment,- where she immediately begins getting frisky. Fifteen minutes later, they're both naked and on her bed. In the middle of making love, as things are getting really hot and heavy a man yells at his date, "Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?"

"He's the one in the closet with the video camera and the shot gun."

"Oh shit," the comedian replies.

"He's really protective of me because he's my step brother too."

Vote [For The Winning Joke] Here

Fun Phrases For Secuirty At Legoland

2007-04-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

I thought the bumper cars were going too fast, so I built a speed bump.

So I made a bathhouse out of Lincoln Logs.

I thought it would be a great time to reenact Godzilla Devours Denmark.

Like I was going to wait for the gift shop to pick up a souvenir.

I needed a restroom, so I built one.

So I assumed tinkering with my Tinker Toys was expected in Playland.

Now that it looks like a penis maybe the Eiffel Tower will finally live up to its name.

They never really proved I fed Mickey Mouse the rat poison.

Either stop staring at my erector set or ask me to dance.

H3Y BABE !!!...Cool myspace u got there [It must be, I've not gotten this letter more often than Dick Cheney gets kicked out of gun shops. How did you get Bush to back down on the whole stem cell issue so that the cloning process could begin?] I was just browsing people who live near me and found ya [I'm guessing you're not in Long Beach.] Feel free to add me to your M~S~N or A~I~M. I prefer M`S`N as A'I'M freezes on me so I may not get ur messages [Thanks, I was wondering when all the spamwhores who gave themselves classy names like Lustylicks would accompany me to the church picnic, day care and the company prom. I'll bring the Legos if you bring the wicker baskets and condoms.]...I jusst m0ved [Zero's not a vowel.] so try!ng [Neither is an exclamation mark] to meeet [No word in the English language has three Es in a row. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you were never a hooker on phonics.] sum [When you get your GED, you can master homophones instead of sexless men who's only chance of getting laid is masturbating in front of a screen and pretending the spamwhore on the other end wants them and not their credit card.] new people.. xoxox chat soon cutie xoxoxo Paris [I'm really sorry you broke up with Nichole but you might want to give up and get a job.]

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

I just told him to shoot for the stars and the next day the Rolling Stones were dead.

How To Get Kicked Off The T-Ball Field

2007-04-03T18:04:00.000-07:00

Tell the short stop the best way to stop a triple is to tackle the runner.
Convince the opposing team you're not supposed to use your hands.
Keep asking the catcher who manufactures his cup.
Secretly tie the baseball to the Tee.
Whenever a player steals a base read him his Miranda rights.
Pretend you see Hell's angles in the outfield.
Whenever you hear, "you're out!" look over at your wife and say kind of like the time I walked in on your double play with the opposing coach and last night's umpire. Someone really stole home that day. Now excuse me while I go warm up my wiener."

(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 075/07

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; so bring your daughter right back to Circus Circus now.

How To Have Fun On April Fools Day

2007-04-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

Go to an adult bookshop and ask the owner if he knows how to get to Sesame Street.
Whip out a metal detector while grocery shopping; explain that you're checking for iron.
Ask the pharmacist if using the nicotine patch as nipple tassels means you shouldn't breast feed.
Show up at McDonalds dressed as the Burger King, clench your fists, and yell: "Alright, send in the clowns."
Ask who wants to join you for some naked miniature golf.
Go to a lingerie shop and ask if they sell cowbells.
Whenever someone asks what you're feeling reply, "Penis envy."
Leave a tape recorder of two people having sex in a closed bathroom stall on a continuous loop. Then, when someone stares at you in shock, enter the stall and make noises like you just joined in.

(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 073/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The New Sitcom Page: now allows you to rank the sitcom on originality, writing, comedy, cast and historical significance.

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

Where do you want to go for our anniversary? And don't you dare say into the witness relocation program again.

Things To Say To The Stranger Next To You On The Ferris Wheel

2007-03-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

And that's when I realized felt tip wasn't a double entendre for sexual relations with an ink manufacturer.
It's not easy being a bipolar, double-jointed circus clown.
Wow, you can hardly see the chalk outlines of the bodies from up here.
You have the most beautiful blue eyes. Can I borrow them?
So I say, "Fine! Dump me! But I'll have my revenge when I dump you, your family and your little dog too off the Golden Gate Bridge." Then I went straight back to the bake sale.
Don't tell me you recognize me from America's Most Wanted too…
I find danger incredibly sexy; here hold this crossbar from the safety latch.
I was a trapeze artist until my partner was thrown to his death.
Here's my Viagra. Now were did I put the clown suit, the balloon animals, and my big red rubber nose?

(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 071/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: TThe New Sitcom Page: now allows you to rank the sitcom on originality, writing, comedy, cast and historical significance.

Ten Reasons A Woman Is Better Than A Rabid Raccoon: Counter point to a list with the opposite title…

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

About this relationship sir, I just put in a transfer request with the human resources department.

Sailor Pick Up Lines

2007-03-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

It's only a gangplank if the first mate joins in.
I’m looking for a new masthead.
I dare you to lick my landlubber.
I was hoping you're a sucker for a centerboard.
Come down here and shiver my timbers.
It’s a steamboat now baby.
It is the captain's duty to go down on his shipmates.
Care to see me turn my dingy into a yacht?
You can walk my gangplank anytime.

(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 070/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The David Letterman Biography. The New Sitcom Page: I took some direction from IMDB, and built the popular character elimination game into the cast of each sitcom. To see it in action click on Details. Then cast. Then click on the + to vote for a character and the - to vote against a character. Stand-up comics, comic actors, mp3, video and midi clips can now be ranked.

It spoils the mood when you keep laughing like that.

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

Mr. Bush, we can't put you on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader because we're pretty sure the country already knows.

Seven Things I Learned In College, & A Few Since

2007-03-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

Community college will admit anyone whose check clears.
A BA degree has a whole lot in common with the proverbial BS.
The worst teachers often have 300 people in one class.
At 8am, there will be more cars in your parking structure than there are parking spaces.
A liberal arts major is another just word for permanently undecided.
Curves only exist in Calculus.
Graduation is usually followed by the phrase, "Now what?"
If college was affordable there would be a whole lot less bike racks.
Odds are that your psychology instructor is nuts, your sociology teacher doesn't do well in groups and your philosophy teacher became a philosopher after ODing on pot.

(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 069/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The David Letterman Biography. The New Sitcom Page: I took some direction from IMDB, and built the popular character elimination game into the cast of each sitcom. To see it in action click on Details. Then cast. Then click on the + to vote for a character and the - to vote against a character. Stand-up comics, comic actors, mp3, video and midi clips can now be ranked.

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

I've decided the murder-suicide plot wasn't good for either of us.

MySpace Spam

2007-03-28T00:15:00.000-07:00

All the girls out there are totally lying when they tell you that size does not matter. Want proof? Not really. I am telling you this because it is the honest truth, look I should know, they say that it is all in the way you use it, not how big it is, well I got news for you all, that is pure lies. Girls lie? Since when? I know from personal experience, I will tell you about a secret that Joey [Ah Joey… Ask my old friend how the Herpes is holding up. You do know that you can be a carrier without symptoms. I know that because of all the other comments that have nothing to do with my profile that I keep blocking] has made me promise to never ever tell anyone, but since he has not called me in three weeks after standing me up, I am going to break the promise and tell you how [Any chance of you keeping this promise not to tell me this story? This is the 9^th time I've rejected this comment.] he went from having a tiny wang What is a wang? A penis you'd find in Bejing? and in 4 months he is now about nine inches and get this, it is still getting bigger [You do realize that a woman who sees King Kong walk by isn't thinking, my God I wonder if I couldn't knock off Fay Wray and be that monkey's bitch. There's advantages to dating the Thin Man, unless you happen to have a Vagina the size of the Grand Canyon. And quite frankly someone who fit's that description belongs in a circus, not a singles bar. Hey daddy look at the giant pussy by the tiger exhibit] He has been secretly taking grow pills from this site, copy and paste the address into your browser to see them. DEMHS.COM [It must be a really great site if you didn't even bother to create the simple code for a link. Either that or the blood going to your penis is diverting the oxygen from you brain. That also, by the way would explain the penis growth. Generally speaking when a man gets aroused… Why am I trying to tell you this, anyone dumb enough to try getting rich posting MySpace spam isn't going to understand simple biology.] I found out when I was at his house, three fridays ago [That would explain why you started posting this crap four months ago. Can I borrow your time machine, go back to November 12^th, 1955 and prevent your parents from falling in love, thus halting the event of your birth. I promise it will be painless; mostly], we were getting ready to go to the mall, so while he was in the shower, I went in his room, sneeked under his bed and found a box with pill bottles in it, there was like 9 full bottles and 4 empty ones, all ordered from DEMHS.COM I was laughing at first but then when he came in the room and caught me looking at them, he freaked out and made me sware [Here I have the chose between taking medical advice from someone who can't spell swear and someone who steals pills from a shoe box under his friend's bed. Have you by any chance given yourself a lobotomy lately. I have this office pool that says you have and $25 is riding on a yes.] to not ever tell anyone about them, especially girls from school or work that he has been dating for the past while [you would think the girls he's dating would notice a pharmacy labeled be a bigger dick stashed under his bed], now that I think of it, he has been rather busy with all the popular girls around here, when just last year he was the shyest when it came to girls. I just never put two and two together [I'm having trouble visualizing you put two and two together without a calculator] until he explained it all to me, I did see his prick [there's something very disconcerting about you referring to it as his prick] and yes, it is huge, pronostar [What the hell is a pronstar, a sailor that screws mermaids with his genetically engineered trident?] huge, the thickest and longest one I ever seen [You describe your friend's penis with way too much nostalgia and affection, is this the San Francisco version of Candid Camera?]
I know this sounds really shallow, but I am considering ordering 6 bottles from the website at DEMHS.COM [] for you know who he does not have a myspace account [Isn't it funny how spammers say they never have a MySpace account?], so he is not gonna see this. They guarentee that the pills will work on any man, or they give you your money back [And just how do you enforce that refund policy. Is someone from the company going to hold a tape measure up to my member before I order and after I down the dosage? Yes, I can see a lot of men dropping trou and saying, look at these pathetic results give me back my money so I can start feeling like a real man.], living proof that they do work on any guy, seeing is believing. DEMHS.COM: G33930817 [I hope that's the self destruct sequence to your not existent MySpace account because I really don't feel like saying no to this comment again.]

Good Excuses For Failure To Pay Back Credit Card Debt

2007-03-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

I'm working with Master Card to bankrupt Visa.
It's a Discover Card, and I just discovered I can't pay.
If you'd stop telling me "Don't leave home without it," I wouldn't have so much debt to repay.
I just assumed a revolving credit line meant eventually you'd pass the debt on to someone else.
I told you giving a Diners Club Card to someone who comforts himself with food was a bad business model.
You mean this was a loan and not a gift? Anything else you want to tell me about the fine print.
I was going to rob Peter to pay Paul but they got together and mugged me before I had a chance.
Instead of paying you back could I give you some of my frequent flyer miles? If I can't, would you at least wait until I fly out of the country?
When my wife divorces me she gets half of everything, so up until that paperwork clears, I'm okay with massive debt.

(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 067/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The New Sitcom Page: I took some direction from IMDB, and built the popular character elimination game into the cast of each sitcom. To see it in action click on Details. Then cast. Then click on the + to vote for a character and the - to vote against a character. Stand-up comics, comic actors, mp3, video and midi clips can now be ranked.

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

Eugene, Sumo Wrestling is a hobby, not a career…

When Responding To An Online Dating Ad Remember

2007-03-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

Remember just like the camera adds ten pounds the internet takes at least twice that many away.
When aiming for a virgin look for anyone who ends the word "player," with and "h."
Men with the soul of a poet get beat up a lot.
Homeless people like long walks along the beach too.
Mild pschosis often comes across in-the-punctuation…… MARKS.
Most people who still use the phrase "hit me up," are either still in high school or studying for their GED.
Anyone looking for a soul mate will cling to shattered pieces of a torn relationship long after you filed the restraining order and moved away.
There's a good chance anyone who begins the ad with Waz Up is watching the Scream trilogy stoned as we speak
Someone who recommends a roaring fire and a candle lit dinner is either an arsonist or, at the very least, can't afford to eat out.
It's likely ThAt SoMeOnE who alternates between lowercase and CAPITAL letters in the same sentence is suffering severe SpAsM problems.
Someone who begins the ad with, "Looking for a playmate," is probably still 12.
Anyone who's screen name is the Slap Master left off his last name Bates.

(c) 2007: This comedy blog was written by the Quiet Comic: SUBSCRIBE
ID#: 066/07

New @ Shayne-Michael.COM: The New Sitcom Page: I took some direction from IMDB, and built the popular character elimination game into the cast of each sitcom. To see it in action click on Details. Then cast. Then click on the + to vote for a character and the - to vote against a character.

Official Site: Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Features original humor dating back to 1989 and resources for comedians.

Why is it after joining Match.Com the only time anyone answers my ad is when you need me to renew my credit card information?